My name is Amanda, I am 25 years old and a suicide survivor. I lost my boyfriend February 3, 2010 to suicide. The loss proved to be life changing and I fear I will never be the same. Sitting here now, I am happy with who I have become through all of this. When I received a call that morning, I would have never expected to hear such devastating news. I refused to believe it. The phone dropped from my hand and then I don't really remember what happened over the next 4 months. I went into a sad person comma. I took a leave from my job, moved in with my brother, and stayed days in the same sweat pants. I had no hope for my future and no energy to even pretend I was happy! I felt that all was lost and that is was so unfair that I had to stay here and feel so awful; when I could have ended it all too. As soon as that thought would cross my mind, I would instantly remember all the beautiful creatures I have to live for. So following in his footsteps could never be an option. My only other choices were to stay miserable or strive to be happy! This is not an easy task. Especially when you feel like half of a person with no direction at all. I chose to get a dog named Patty and love her. I also chose to move to Salt Lake City and get a job. I chose to go out of my way to make friends at work. They had no idea that by the end of the night, I was emotionally drained; I would immediately drive home to my apartment, drink a bottle of wine, and sit with my little dog Patty. On some occasions a friend would do enough convincing to pull me out of my apartment once in a while. The encounters were always brief. I felt so shy and nervous to be around people again, I felt like they would see right through my plastered on smile and say something to make me cry. Months went by. I continued to cry almost every night and experienced anxiety attacks over tragedy ridden thoughts. I cannot tell you the exact day that my mind changed and had decided to pursue happiness. It seemed to come in spurts. I would have really good days and then one day out of the blue, a thought would hit me and I would experience my grief to its fullest. However, the moments of sadness were over powered by my drive to be happy. Months have continued to move by and I am still on the daily path of striving for happiness. I am working at a job that I love, found a really nice guy that I adore, and am finishing school. Anthony was a beautiful soul and taught me more about life than I would have ever expected. Losing him has been eye opening; it would have been a tragedy to have lost another life!
I am Amanda's mom, and I just want to add that a tragedy like suicide does not only affect close loved ones but affects everyone all around. My family only met Anthony a few times and did not know him well, and yet it has been close to two years since Anthony passed on and there is not a day that goes by that we don't think about him, mourn for him, and wonder why. He was an amazing young man that made a wonderful impact on my daughter's life and it has been heart-wrenching to watch my daughter go through this process. I feel that we lost a part of our daughter as well, and as a mother I have never felt so much pain and heartache. I don't know if this is something that a person can ever get over, but I do know there is happiness again.
After years and years of drinking, drugs and mistakes, I saw no place for me on this earth. All I was doing was masking the sadness and depression I had in my life. After a long night of partying and blacking out, my roommates told me the next morning of my out of control behavior. After hearing what I had did, I got the worst sickening feeling in my gut, the depression had over taken me. I left work early, went home, drank a beer, wrote on a letter that I was sorry for all the bad things I've done and everything that I had done was because thats how really felt about myself. I left, wandered the city and finally took a bottle of Advil PM and a bottle of water to a near by park. It was around 9pm, and I sat on a bench, praying to God to please not let me go to hell. I told God that at least when Im gone, no one else would be hurt. I took the bottle and blacked out. At that point, I saw things and heard things that I can't explain, but I do know that I was given a 2nd chance. A 2nd chance to start all over. The day I left the hospital I was never the same. Today, I am sober, drug free and happy with my life. Its been a long rough road for me, but its doesn't have to be hard and I am happy that I am still here and I feel very LUCKY!!!
My name is Amanda, I am 25 years old and a suicide survivor. I lost my boyfriend February 3, 2010 to suicide. The loss proved to be life changing and I fear I will never be the same. Sitting here now, I am happy with who I have become through all of this.
ReplyDeleteWhen I received a call that morning, I would have never expected to hear such devastating news. I refused to believe it. The phone dropped from my hand and then I don't really remember what happened over the next 4 months. I went into a sad person comma. I took a leave from my job, moved in with my brother, and stayed days in the same sweat pants. I had no hope for my future and no energy to even pretend I was happy! I felt that all was lost and that is was so unfair that I had to stay here and feel so awful; when I could have ended it all too. As soon as that thought would cross my mind, I would instantly remember all the beautiful creatures I have to live for. So following in his footsteps could never be an option. My only other choices were to stay miserable or strive to be happy!
This is not an easy task. Especially when you feel like half of a person with no direction at all.
I chose to get a dog named Patty and love her. I also chose to move to Salt Lake City and get a job. I chose to go out of my way to make friends at work. They had no idea that by the end of the night, I was emotionally drained; I would immediately drive home to my apartment, drink a bottle of wine, and sit with my little dog Patty.
On some occasions a friend would do enough convincing to pull me out of my apartment once in a while. The encounters were always brief. I felt so shy and nervous to be around people again, I felt like they would see right through my plastered on smile and say something to make me cry.
Months went by. I continued to cry almost every night and experienced anxiety attacks over tragedy ridden thoughts. I cannot tell you the exact day that my mind changed and had decided to pursue happiness. It seemed to come in spurts. I would have really good days and then one day out of the blue, a thought would hit me and I would experience my grief to its fullest. However, the moments of sadness were over powered by my drive to be happy.
Months have continued to move by and I am still on the daily path of striving for happiness. I am working at a job that I love, found a really nice guy that I adore, and am finishing school. Anthony was a beautiful soul and taught me more about life than I would have ever expected. Losing him has been eye opening; it would have been a tragedy to have lost another life!
I am Amanda's mom, and I just want to add that a tragedy like suicide does not only affect close loved ones but affects everyone all around. My family only met Anthony a few times and did not know him well, and yet it has been close to two years since Anthony passed on and there is not a day that goes by that we don't think about him, mourn for him, and wonder why. He was an amazing young man that made a wonderful impact on my daughter's life and it has been heart-wrenching to watch my daughter go through this process. I feel that we lost a part of our daughter as well, and as a mother I have never felt so much pain and heartache. I don't know if this is something that a person can ever get over, but I do know there is happiness again.
ReplyDeleteAfter years and years of drinking, drugs and mistakes, I saw no place for me on this earth. All I was doing was masking the sadness and depression I had in my life.
ReplyDeleteAfter a long night of partying and blacking out, my roommates told me the next morning of my out of control behavior. After hearing what I had did, I got the worst sickening feeling in my gut, the depression had over taken me. I left work early, went home, drank a beer, wrote on a letter that I was sorry for all the bad things I've done and everything that I had done was because thats how really felt about myself. I left, wandered the city and finally took a bottle of Advil PM and a bottle of water to a near by park. It was around 9pm, and I sat on a bench, praying to God to please not let me go to hell. I told God that at least when Im gone, no one else would be hurt.
I took the bottle and blacked out. At that point, I saw things and heard things that I can't explain, but I do know that I was given a 2nd chance. A 2nd chance to start all over. The day I left the hospital I was never the same.
Today, I am sober, drug free and happy with my life. Its been a long rough road for me, but its doesn't have to be hard and I am happy that I am still here and I feel very LUCKY!!!
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